Men & emotions: a therapist’s perspective
The ability to understand our own emotions, and communicate them to others, has a number of benefits. It helps us cope more effectively, and therefore can increase the quality of our life. It helps us connect with other people, which is necessary for humans who are designed to live in community. Much of my experience as a therapist has been facilitating men’s group therapy. It did not take long for me to recognize the difference between the way that the men and women I was working with thought about their emotions, and how they were able to understand and communicate them. In many cases, women are much more comfortable talking about their feelings, and that didn’t happen on accident. Many people, but more often men, are not set up for success when it comes to navigating normal human emotions.
There are generations and generations of ideas pertaining to what a man or woman is “supposed” to be. While these ideas are shifting with the current culture in society (for the better), the pressure to be “man enough” is still felt by many of the people I’ve worked with in therapy. The harmful belief is that to be “man enough” is to be strong, and to be strong is to not show any emotions, with the exception of anger.
The attitude in our society is that it is acceptable for women to express all emotions, except for anger. Whereas the only emotion that is socially acceptable for men to express is anger. Because if women show anger, they are seen as crazy, but if men show sadness, insecurity, fear, etc., they are seen as weak.
We wish for men to be able to express their emotions effectively, but then we teach them the exact opposite. Think about when you were a kid and how those around you reacted to your emotional outbursts. Were you told to rub some dirt in it? Put on your big boy pants? Maybe you were sent to your room to calm down. These lessons, or coping strategies, stick with us – and the way that we were taught to respond to our emotions as kids is most likely how you now respond to them as an adult. Unless if you were one of the few lucky ones who received some sort of emotional and mental health education in school.
One of my favorite parts about being a group therapist for men is that I was able to create a safe space where we could talk about these things. A space where men could cry without being judged or seen as weak. A space where men could vent their frustrations without the pressure of having to “fix it”. I was frequently asked by my clients what the differences were in my experiences with facilitating men’s group therapy vs. women’s group therapy. My response was always the same. For women, talking about emotions is seen as normal. For men, talking about emotions can be completely unfamiliar, or even taboo. Because men are pressured to be strong, and emotions are seen as weak, the emotions are avoided. Avoiding the emotions feels great for a moment, but it’s not a long-term solution. Avoidance doesn’t make them go away, and often all of those years of repressing emotions is going to lead to an explosion of some kind.
If the only socially acceptable way a man can express his emotions is through anger, not only is that going to cause pain for the people around him who are on the receiving end of it, but that hurts him too. His risk of becoming involved with the legal system increases, his reputation can be altered, and he might lose the trust and respect of those around him. The consequence of this is isolation, and humans are not designed to be isolated. We thrive on connection and vulnerability with our loved ones, and we can’t create an environment where that’s possible when anger is the only form of emotional expression.
I want to be clear that there is nothing inherently wrong with feeling angry. Anger is a normal part of the human experience. The problem isn’t anger itself, the problem is that when we can only express how we’re feeling through anger, and if that doesn’t accurately reflect what’s going on inside of us, we can’t actually get our needs met. When we’re hiding our sadness, insecurity, fear, etc. behind the mask of anger, it becomes difficult for others to properly demonstrate empathy toward us since they don’t have the full story.
There’s nothing I loved more than talking with my clients who have young children, and seeing their desire to teach them differently than what they themselves were taught. It takes numerous generations to really make a change within our society, and it starts with how we are teaching our children to think and behave. There is no reason for gender differences to exist when it comes to how we understand and communicate our emotions. Teach your boys and girls the same messages. Teach your boys that it’s okay to cry, so that they have an opportunity to practice coping with difficult emotions. Teach them that anger isn’t the only way to express themselves, so they don’t end up hurting themselves and others. Teach them that being a “man” is about much more than being strong, and that emotions don’t make you weak. In fact, I’d argue that it takes a lot of strength to be vulnerable with our emotions. Maybe acceptance of the wide range of the human experience is one of the hardest things a person can do - an incredible show of strength.
Content disclaimer: The thoughts and opinions in this blog post represent the themes I’ve noticed throughout my practice as a therapist, and I recognize that this doesn’t necessarily reflect all peoples’ experiences. Humans have many similarities, while still having completely unique backgrounds and stories. Cultural beliefs and personal identity can greatly shape how you view matters related to mental and emotional health, and the messages that you have received about these topics.
