The problem with “normal” & the importance of empathy in our relationships
The way that we see the world is through the lens of what we’ve been taught. Our thoughts, opinions, or beliefs aren’t random, they are the culmination of intergenerational messages passed down to us from our family or culture. Whether directly or indirectly, we’re receiving messages about the world and its’ people all the time. And when we learn something as a kid, it then becomes our own version of what is normal to us.
The problem is that just because something is normal to us, doesn’t mean that it is normal to everyone. The “false-consensus effect” is the assumption that our thoughts, opinions, beliefs, etc. are widely shared and normal, and therefore the correct way of thinking. Conflict and judgment often arise out of this assumption that we are the one who is correct. There is no universal “correct” or “normal” anything, it is all based on our own unique perceptions, experiences, and intergenerational messages.
In our intimate relationships, these concepts are especially relevant because of the way they can lead to conflict. When two people with their own unique ways of seeing the world come together, there are bound to be disagreements. People are allowed to disagree. However, a disagreement becomes an argument the moment that it becomes less about the issue at hand, and more about being the one who is correct, or “winning” the conflict. When our egos get in the way of trying to understand where other peoples’ ideas are coming from.
It is worth noting that while yes, people are allowed to disagree, you’re also not required to continue investing in a relationship with someone where you disagree on ideas that are central to your values or identity. Sometimes the answer is navigating the disagreement with grace, and sometimes the answer is distancing yourself from people whose ideas are incompatible with your own.
Assuming the disagreement isn’t a deal breaker, how do we navigate relationships when people see things differently? The overly simplified answer is that we do so by practicing empathy in our relationships. Empathy is the ability to put ourselves into someone else’s shoes and to try and understand the feelings of another person. Empathy involves accepting that our normal isn’t always their normal, and that’s okay. When we involve empathy in our conversations, you might find that we can disagree with someone without the argument. We can disagree while recognizing that neither person is right or wrong, their perception is simply based off of their own history.
When we talk about communication skills in therapy, we often start with a concept that is simple in description, but difficult in practice: using “I statements.” Using “I statements” during our conversations is one of the most powerful things we can do to make room for empathy. An “I statement” is a way of structuring the sentence that starts with a focus on yourself and using the letter “I.” For example, instead of saying “you made me so angry when you did that,” you might say, “I felt so angry when you did that.” You might think that this small adjustment is insignificant, but what we’ve done is switch the focus back to yourself and change the tone of the message. You are switching the message from blaming someone else, to your own experience of what occurred. And when we are framing things as our own experience, it shifts the message from “this is what happened” to “this is my perception of what happened.” Talking about things from the frame of our perceptions allows us to clarify our thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and makes room to discuss potential differences without the need to be right or wrong. I note that this is difficult in practice because sometimes our desire to “win” overrides our desire to practice empathy and allow individual differences in people without judgment.
One of my biggest pet peeves is that in most school systems, this isn’t taught. We don’t have a class on using “I statements” during difficult conversations. We don’t have a class on how to resolve conflict, practice empathy, or appreciate individual differences. This lack of intervention leaves us unprepared to navigate relationships effectively later on. Disagreements are inevitable, but arguments don’t need to be. Recognize that your idea of what is normal is not universal, and just because something feels normal to you, doesn’t automatically mean it is correct. For the relationships that we care to protect, it is wise to practice understanding over winning.
Content disclaimer: the thoughts and opinions in this blog post represent the themes I’ve noticed throughout my practice as a therapist, and I recognize that this doesn’t necessarily reflect all peoples’ experiences.
