What I Want You to Know about Domestic Violence
The term “domestic violence” (DV) carries a lot of weight. When you hear this term, you probably have a certain image in your mind of what domestic violence might look like. If there’s anything I’ve learned throughout my time as a domestic violence treatment provider, it’s that DV isn’t always what you assume it is. Below are 4 things I want you to know about domestic violence:
Power & Control v. Physical Violence
Domestic violence is more than just physical violence. Domestic violence is not about anger or impulsive behavior. We define domestic violence as, behaviors that are planned, purposeful, and repetitive, designed to gain power and control over someone else. Power and control is the foundational concept for domestic violence behavior. While power and control can include physical or sexual violence, it is much more than that. Power and control can involve using emotional abuse, using intimidation, using isolation, using children against someone, minimizing/denying/blaming your behavior on someone else, using gender privilege, using financial abuse, or coercion and threats. Power and control can also be gained through even more subtle means such as using the silent treatment or ingratiating behavior. DV doesn’t have to involve physical abuse at all. And often, the initial DV behaviors that someone will use in an attempt to gain power and control in the relationship are the more subtle behaviors. Do not dismiss or excuse someone’s abusive or controlling behavior because It’s not physical.
Pushing Boundaries and Becoming Desensitized
There is a reason that the subtle forms of power and control are common in the beginning. There’s an analogy that involves a frog in a pot of boiling water. This concept suggests that if a frog were to jump into a pot of boiling water, it would immediately jump out because it’s hot and therefore dangerous. But if a frog is placed into room temperature water, and the water temperature slowly increases to boiling, the frog won’t jump out and will burn to death. This is because the frog adjusts to the temperature and doesn’t realize how hot it’s getting because of the slow increase. This analogy is often what happens in relationships where someone is using DV behaviors. It starts out “slow,” with subtle forms of power and control or manipulation, and the perpetrator slowly pushes boundaries over time, seeing what they can get away with. Meanwhile the person on the receiving end of these behaviors isn’t realizing how bad it has gotten, or how much the behaviors have escalated, because it’s happened over time. They become desensitized to the power and control. The behaviors become normalized within the relationship, and the perpetrator gets away with more and more.
Cycle of Violence and Empty Promises
The cycle of violence describes the lifecycle of a DV or abusive relationship. In the beginning of the relationship, a couple often experiences what we call the “honeymoon stage.” In this stage, everything is all rainbows and butterflies, people are excited about the possibility of this relationship and are on their best behavior to make a good impression. In a DV relationship, the stage that follows is called the “tension building stage.” This is where we might feel like we are “walking on eggshells” around someone else because we are afraid to upset them, fearing how they might react or project their anger onto you. People have gotten comfortable in the relationship in the sense that you’re no longer on your best behavior and trying to impress, and the red flags and someone’s true behavior come to the surface. Next is the “explosion stage.” Tension can only build so much, and if there’s no intervention, there’s going to be an explosion or escalation of some kind. This could look like an intense argument, physical or sexual violence, or anything in between.
The cycle of violence is called a cycle for a reason. After this explosion stage, and if the relationship continues, the cycle starts again with the honeymoon phase. The honeymoon phase looks a little different when it follows the explosion, and this version of the honeymoon phase is often why people feel so trapped in DV relationships. After the explosion, there are apologies and promises that it’ll never happen again. That it was a mistake and they promise they will change. What I want you to know is that rarely do things really change. These empty promises keep people stuck in a loop of hurt and disappointment. The cycle often continues and there will be more explosions. The perpetrator might apologize, but no one is obligated to accept the apology or to stay in that relationship. Even if they seem sincere in their regret and promises to do better, it doesn’t mean that someone must stay.
Be Prepared When Leaving
If someone does decide to leave the relationship, the 6 months after the relationship ends are often the most dangerous time for the victim. The perpetrator will be desperate to gain back their power and control that they felt in the relationship, and might use manipulation, stalking, threats, blackmail, etc. in an attempt to get someone to stay.
I don’t share this to scare anyone who is considering leaving an abusive relationship, I share this to note the importance of having a safety plan in place for when you are ready to leave. Please see the resources below for more information on safety planning, and reach out to your therapist for additional help with safety planning.
National Domestic Violence Hotline Interactive Guide to Safety Planning
Domestic Violence Crisis Center Safety Plan
Content disclaimer: the thoughts and opinions in this blog post represent the themes I’ve noticed throughout my practice as a therapist and domestic violence treatment provider and I recognize that this doesn’t necessarily reflect all peoples’ experiences.
